#5: The African Queen

Starring: Humphrey Bogart, Katharine Hepburn

Dir: John Huston (1951)

Now I may be technically cheating with this one since I'm fairly sure I saw bits of it when I was small (and it's also technically not a old-timey black & white), but something about The African Queen's classic status convinced the anal-retentive part of my brain that appears to be driving this project (e.g. MICKEY ROONEY MOVIE) that passing it up would be just another kind of cheating, but far more grave. Still, whatever I'd seen of the movie in childhood only left a memory of dread and depression, so I approached the viewing with some anxiety. "Doesn't he die in the end??" I asked Katherine worriedly. She insisted that he didn't, but then again Kat likes to make people suffer by doing things the Right Way, and may have been lying on principle so as not to spoil the ending. I had no confidence.

Oh well.
Turned out the one who died was the homely yet sympathetic brother figure, and while I'm all for feeling sad about that, HUMPHREY MAKES IT OUT OKAY. And that's what I really care about, so, it's safe to watch this movie now!

The bad and the good:

Bad: Well, basically nothing, right?? I mean, maybe some of the score isn't that great, but who's paying attention to the music with everything else going on? Also, watching this movie made me feel like I was swatting away a horde of invisible flies. And like I needed to take a shower. But I guess that was atmosphere.

Good: Everything else!! Katharine Hepburn uses all her old standards - the gangliness, awkwardness, the wobbly chin, the superiority, and the insulted crying - while portraying a character that is obnoxious, frigid, lovable, and hilarious all at once (soooo Kat Hepburn, only a prude). Humphrey Bogart stops being hard-boiled and hams it up as Charlie with the greasy neckerchief and filthy hands. Seriously, it's almost awkward watching him do this after years of tough detective roles, but with a little concentration it all comes together. He's a wonderful character with terrible habits and yet the bravest and most chivalrous spirit imaginable. The movie is all about watching a relationship develop between unlikely people who are basically cross-sections of Bogie and Kate. What I love best about that is how the two people who should reasonably only be bringing out the worst in each other -and they do, for quite a while - end by bringing out the very best, even qualities buried so deeply that we would never have imagined them capable of possessing them, right up to the point of (SPOILER ALERT NOBODY DIES) self-sacrifice. True love, my peeps. Reading Kat Hepburn's book on the making of TAQ, I could believe that their real-life relationship was like this - minus the true love, of course (did you know Lauren Bacall stayed with Bogie on location in Africa? And was a total boss about it? And apparently wandered around makeup-free and glamorous, doing things like cooking for people and just ingratiating herself to everyone, and Katharine Hepburn was hopelessly jealous and freckled-feeling and prickly and used to journal crankily about it? AM I RIGHT LADIES) - in that they complemented each other by being nearly opposites in a few ways but identical in essentials: disciplined, principled, talented, and smart. With a big streak of respectful snark and a love of hard work.

The African Queen is a perfect combination of comedy, adventure, and drama, which while sounding like a cliche is actually a remarkable achievement when you really watch it. Only two actors, a tiny boat, and some intimidating scenery. Lots of squeamish moments, like getting chest-deep into filthy water and almost dying and having to pee in front of a strange man. It's really not the sort of thing you should like to see.
But if you don't, you're an idiot.

'Nuff said.

Stars: 5 of 5