#25: Beyond the Rocks

SILENT FILM ATTACK!
Starring: Gloria Swanson, Rudolph Valentino
Dir: Sam Wood (1922)

Beyond the Rocks is a story of a sex god and a short woman who meet once and quickly part, meet again years later - it's kismet! - so the short woman douses herself with some flowery perfume that becomes like their little code thing and the sex god is so overcome that he passionately kisses her teeny little hands and... actually that part looks pretty fun -- and includes a big heavily costumed dream/storytelling interlude -- but then they are torn apart again (this time by a man with see-through eyes), so they are damned to gaze longingly and sigh deeply and write each other letters in their desperation, wait until the ugly man dies, and then FINALLY end up together forever - consciences clean - in the desert! Huzzah! (Note to self: Try watching Beyond the Rocks and The Sheik back to back. Could be awesome.)

Pictured above is a moment of potent silent chemistry (courtesy of a truly awesome Tumblr). See how the film melts and bubbles? Because their love is SO HOT.
That also tends to happen when a movie attempts to contain the heat of RUDOLPH EFFING VALENTINO OH MY GOD.

Sorry.
Anyway, the story isn't that great. When it starts and you're reading the titles it's all promising romance novel fare, like little Theodora Fitzgerald is trapped in a loveless marriage to a gross old dude and then there's the dashing Lord Bracondale (of non-threatening Italian lineage) trotting up and when Theodora falls out of a boat  he saves her and she smells like narcissus and it's so PHYSICAL and ROMANTIC. But then it really gets rolling and it's just pretty melodramatic. I think if there had been a little comedy to go along, I would have enjoyed it more. Or if Rudy spent more time climbing out of the sea. But altogether it forms kind of an over-rich romantic confection with a gross nougat-y moral at the center, definitely not how the movie would have been done today, where the beautiful young wife remains faithful to her old and ugly husband because she knows it's the Right Thing to Do, despite the dark and handsome and romantic and wonderful and smoking hot oh my god make me stop and he's Italian and he wears tails and he jumps selflessly into raging seas and scales tall mountains and he looks soooooooo gooooooooooood guy trying to steal her heart. So, basically implausible. Also, SPOILER ALERT (not really), I have watched a few more Gloria Swanson and Rudolph Valentino movies since this and know they can be MUCH more compelling.
Not like Rudy is ever, you know, not worth watching. Or something. At all. Like, he's pretty much always good. For some reason... I don't know...

Bad: Boring. Ugly husband has see-through eyes. And they're all setting him up to be a villain and then in the end he's just like "Self-sacrificing, OMG I love you so much, I want you to be happy! IN THE DESERT!" Also, G-Swanson's clothes are soups unflattering. Except maybe the backless dress when they're staying at the manor-type place? But it doesn't make up.
Good: Rudolph Valentino was in this, did I mention that? And he wore SPATS and TAILS and his name was LORD BRACONDALE and he CLIMBED MOUNTAINS in his frickin CASUAL GOLF ATTIRE. Sooooohhghhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm.

Stars: 3 of 5