Dir: Henry King (1956)
Last week was Oscar Hammerstein II's centennial, so naturally I have to pay my respects. I've decided that the best way to do that is by watching an R&H musical I haven't seen before. I've always avoided Carousel because of the whole death/bittersweet ending thing, which is not typically what I go for in a musical, especially if the dead person is cute. But, you know, time to be a grown up. We sometimes have to see things we don't like in this life... and sometimes those things are Gordon MacRae getting pudgy.
This will make a lot more sense if you've seen Carousel.
0:00 Popping in DVD... OMG synopsis says it is set in a little town on the coast of Maine! Little town on the coast of Maine! This is SERENDIPITOUS. This is PERFECT. I have to watch it YESTERDAY.
0:13 "Sluts? Slut yourself!" "Slut yourself!" This movie has a dirty mouth.
0:14 Also, Bigelow/gigolo - is that as obvious as I think it is, or am I digging?
0:19 So not a fan of this guy right now. I mean, sexy, but what an ASS.
0:19 (Shoutout to Bangor!)
0:21 Nooooooo girl no!! Flashbacks to my days of poor decision-making.
|I know, I know, he's super-cute right now. But USE YOUR HEAD.|
0:24 SHUT UP, SHIRLEY.
0:25 If you don't want to marry and you don't want to have a bad reputation WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE BIGEGIGOLO? Go live in a cave.
0:27 Oh cute. Billy's a philosopher. "The breeze is in the air, like my spirit, which is both sad and horny."
0:28 I do love his voice, though.
0:31 Okay he's hot. Wait FADE OUT FADE OUT?! Marriage then sex? Sex then marriage? IT MATTERS! I HAVE TO KNOW!
0:33 A whale of a time!
0:34 I SMELL A MALE DANCE ENSEMBLE. WHERE IS MY JACQUES?
|THIS IS AS CLOSE AS WE'LL GET TO A BARN RAISING IN THIS MOVIE|
0:40 Temporarily entertained by cutest barefoot man dancing/flirtation EVER. Okay now shirtless too. Noiiiiiice.
0:41 OMG shirtless sailor quad-group jump squatting???
0:42 (Yeah the girls are catching on.)
0:45 Oh I'm sorry, did sex not SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS? Did sex not MAKE HIM LOVE YOU? OH THAT'S WEIRD.
0:46 Whoa, sex and sluts and wifebeaters in this movie? How... progressive... (oh durr prostitues) (nvm totes not progressive)
0:51 "Put on a new coat of paint. You're starting to peel, old pleasure-boat." ZING! (Remember this one.)
0:56 What the what. Oh my Lord.
0:57 She's pregnant and that... that did it... somehow I guess... I just don't know what the what MEN.
1:05 ZOMG REALIZATIONS ABOUT PATERNAL RESPONSIBILITY N STUFF N BEHBEHS
1:06 ZOMG FORESHADOWING
|I should probably sing the word "death" a few more times. "DEATH DEATH DEATH, DIE DIE! DIE DuDIE!!!!! Ha-HA!"|
But, you know, totally Maine-appropriate, right down to the play-by-play from plate to gullet.
1:15 Can you dance after eating a lobster? I can't.
1:24 "What's the Use of Wond'rin'," or, "Spineless and How to Be It."
1:30 Oh I get it. The knife dangling from his shirt has stabbed him. They need to make this stuff clearer.
1:31 Why does Gordon get stabbed in all his movies?
1:32 Gordon. Gordon, baby. When you die you're supposed to stop breathing.
1:33 Also, Shirley. You should maybe cry or scream or something. Or were people dying from stab wounds all the time in Maine back in the day? Like, no biggie, internal bleeding, have a nice day.
1:34 Gordon, even in death your hair is so fly.
1:35 Getting so bored I wanna fastforward. (Now she cries.)
1:39 "We'd argue and she'd be right, so I'd hit her." OH STARTLING INSIGHT. New sympathy for the abusive man. Edward Cullen, take heed.
1:42 Wait. I want to frolic, too...
1:43 BOYS? JACQUES?
1:47 ZOMG JACQUES!!!!!!! (*Edit: I originally screencapped the shit out of this dream sequence, but my computer ate everything. As a result, this post sucks. I apologize.)
1:49 Mom. Why wasn't I a ballerina.
1:52 Um, yeah girl. What's your problem?
|I found this screencap on the internet. Mine were better.|
2:01 OH MY GOD THESE ARE SUCH HORRIBLE LESSONS. OH MY GOD SHE IS SUCH A HORRIBLE MOTHER. DON'T LISTEN, LOUISE.
2:01 "Is it possible for someone to hit you and not have it hurt at all? Let me answer that with a song, my child..."
2:03 Ok so if Shirley didn't look so Amish matron this would actually be totally moving.
2:06 Gordon zooming in at the finish bein' all sincere 'n sexy! (*Edit: Another conspicuously missing screencap.)
2:08 Okay it's over! The end! Hit away, husbands! The end!
******STARS: 2.5 of 5. The music is pretty much whatever (with the obvious exceptions of "If I Loved You" and "You'll Never Walk Alone") (happy birthday, Oscar!), the springtime dancing is cool I guess, and I do give major props to any Technicolor musical with a lengthy ballet sequence. Also, Jacques D'Amboise. Just... that guy. But otherwise... hated it.