#39: Carousel

Starring: Shirley Jones and Gordon MacRae
Dir: Henry King (1956)

Last week was Oscar Hammerstein II's centennial, so naturally I have to pay my respects. I've decided that the best way to do that is by watching an R&H musical I haven't seen before. I've always avoided Carousel because of the whole death/bittersweet ending thing, which is not typically what I go for in a musical, especially if the dead person is cute. But, you know, time to be a grown up. We sometimes have to see things we don't like in this life... and sometimes those things are Gordon MacRae getting pudgy.

This will make a lot more sense if you've seen Carousel.

0:00 Popping in DVD... OMG synopsis says it is set in a little town on the coast of Maine! Little town on the coast of Maine! This is SERENDIPITOUS. This is PERFECT. I have to watch it YESTERDAY.

0:01 ZOMG JACQUES D'AMBOISE IS IN THE CREDITS. JACQUES D'AMBOISE IS IN THE CREDITS. I had no idea!! Get in my belly, Carousel!

0:13 "Sluts? Slut yourself!" "Slut yourself!" This movie has a dirty mouth.

0:14 Also, Bigelow/gigolo - is that as obvious as I think it is, or am I digging?

0:19 So not a fan of this guy right now. I mean, sexy, but what an ASS.

0:19 (Shoutout to Bangor!)

0:21 Nooooooo girl no!! Flashbacks to my days of poor decision-making.

I know, I know, he's super-cute right now. But USE YOUR HEAD.

0:23 SO not the right time for this song. I don't even like him yet.

0:24 SHUT UP, SHIRLEY.

0:25 If you don't want to marry and you don't want to have a bad reputation WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE BIGEGIGOLO? Go live in a cave.

0:27 Oh cute. Billy's a philosopher. "The breeze is in the air, like my spirit, which is both sad and horny."

0:28 I do love his voice, though.

0:31 Okay he's hot. Wait FADE OUT FADE OUT?! Marriage then sex? Sex then marriage? IT MATTERS! I HAVE TO KNOW!

0:33 Lobsters!

0:33 Clambake!

0:33 A whale of a time!

0:34 I SMELL A MALE DANCE ENSEMBLE. WHERE IS MY JACQUES?

0:36 Nothing but hot hipster fishermen as far as the eye can see. Donde esta Jacques?

THIS IS AS CLOSE AS WE'LL GET TO A BARN RAISING IN THIS MOVIE

0:38 Okay more men finally... WHERE.

0:40 Temporarily entertained by cutest barefoot man dancing/flirtation EVER. Okay now shirtless too. Noiiiiiice.

0:41 OMG shirtless sailor quad-group jump squatting???

0:41 This is epic on a Seven Brides scale only my homobarometer is, like, breaking. Notice how they're all sitting on each other's shoulders while the girls prance forgotten on the roof?

0:42 (Yeah the girls are catching on.)

0:45 Oh I'm sorry, did sex not SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS? Did sex not MAKE HIM LOVE YOU? OH THAT'S WEIRD.

0:46 Whoa, sex and sluts and wifebeaters in this movie? How... progressive... (oh durr prostitues) (nvm totes not progressive)

0:51 "Put on a new coat of paint. You're starting to peel, old pleasure-boat." ZING! (Remember this one.)

0:56 What the what. Oh my Lord.

0:57 She's pregnant and that... that did it... somehow I guess... I just don't know what the what MEN.



1:05 ZOMG REALIZATIONS ABOUT PATERNAL RESPONSIBILITY N STUFF N BEHBEHS

1:06 ZOMG FORESHADOWING

I should probably sing the word "death" a few more times. "DEATH DEATH DEATH, DIE DIE! DIE DuDIE!!!!! Ha-HA!"

1:13 Sweet holy clambake! Lobster buffet!... Dumb. Ass. Song.
But, you know, totally Maine-appropriate, right down to the play-by-play from plate to gullet.

1:15 Can you dance after eating a lobster? I can't.

1:18 OMG this Jigger-man is the perviest thing ever! Ever! Stop! He is like an Ali Hakim but sinister-er!

1:24 "What's the Use of Wond'rin'," or, "Spineless and How to Be It."

1:30 Oh I get it. The knife dangling from his shirt has stabbed him. They need to make this stuff clearer.

1:31 Why does Gordon get stabbed in all his movies?

1:32 Gordon. Gordon, baby. When you die you're supposed to stop breathing.

1:33 Also, Shirley. You should maybe cry or scream or something. Or were people dying from stab wounds all the time in Maine back in the day? Like, no biggie, internal bleeding, have a nice day.

1:34 Gordon, even in death your hair is so fly.

1:35 Getting so bored I wanna fastforward. (Now she cries.)

1:39 "We'd argue and she'd be right, so I'd hit her." OH STARTLING INSIGHT. New sympathy for the abusive man. Edward Cullen, take heed.

1:42 Wait. I want to frolic, too...

1:43 BOYS? JACQUES?

1:47 ZOMG JACQUES!!!!!!! (*Edit: I originally screencapped the shit out of this dream sequence, but my computer ate everything. As a result, this post sucks. I apologize.)

1:47 I saw him! I saw him! I saw him before the lights came up even! Those cheekbones could cut glass! My heart is dying!

1:49 Mom. Why wasn't I a ballerina.

1:51 (So sexy much can't talk sorry.)

1:52 Um, yeah girl. What's your problem?

I found this screencap on the internet. Mine were better.

1:52 Srsly he's actually touching you. CHEER UP.

1:53 (Okay now I get why she's crying.) COME BACK JACQUESsSSSSssdsdasdads

1:56 Back to boring grown-ups. Lol we have too many kids!

2:01 OH MY GOD THESE ARE SUCH HORRIBLE LESSONS. OH MY GOD SHE IS SUCH A HORRIBLE MOTHER. DON'T LISTEN, LOUISE.

2:01 "Is it possible for someone to hit you and not have it hurt at all? Let me answer that with a song, my child..."

2:03 Ok so if Shirley didn't look so Amish matron this would actually be totally moving.

2:06 I always try not to be "skeered."

2:06 Gordon zooming in at the finish bein' all sincere 'n sexy! (*Edit: Another conspicuously missing screencap.)

2:07 We all say things we don't mean at graduation.

2:08 Okay it's over! The end! Hit away, husbands! The end!

******

STARS: 2.5 of 5. The music is pretty much whatever (with the obvious exceptions of "If I Loved You" and "You'll Never Walk Alone") (happy birthday, Oscar!), the springtime dancing is cool I guess, and I do give major props to any Technicolor musical with a lengthy ballet sequence. Also, Jacques D'Amboise. Just... that guy. But otherwise... hated it.