#31: The Heiress

Starring: Olivia de Havilland, Montgomery Clift, Ralph Richardson
Dir: William Wyler (1949)

Sexiest elbow grab in the history of film

Let's start with the plot. Catherine (Olivia de Havilland) is plain, unappealing, and wealthy. As she ages, her critical and overbearing father becomes resigned to her spinsterhood, but her aunt continues to trot her out for parties Just In Case. Then one night the dashing Morris Townsend (Montgomery Clift) meets her at a dance and she instantly falls head over heels. He is sweet, intelligent, doting, and... poor. Olivia's overprotective father takes one look and instantly suspects him because, you know, nobody could love his stupid daughter and if Monty is poor then he can only want one thing, right? Once Monty proposes to Olivia, Dad steps in to prevent the wedding. Olivia vows their love is real, so he threatens to cut off her inheritance as a test. And here's where the movie starts to suck - Dad's right. Monty instantly bails, and the now-destitute Olivia is supposed to be grateful for this deliverance.

But it hurts!! Olivia really is unappealing, yet you want to believe Monty has seen the good in her. She really is unlovable, but, as she herself hopes, might he not have seen past her awkwardness and loved her for her virtue? Maybe?? Unfortunately, no. So the fact all along that the only two men in her life who ever claimed to love her both see her as unwomanly, unlovely, and a disappointment, finally becomes clear to her. And it breaks her.

First, full disclosure: I thought Morris loved Catherine. I really did. I believed in Monty's earnest face, his awkward smile, his adorable shoulders-to-waist ratio and empty dance card. Ten minutes in and I was squealing and screencapping and clapping my little hands in glee! Daddy was a tyrant! True love would conquer all! Catherine would get married and loosen up a little and have a baby with Monty and then everything would be perfect in the end! Monty would be her deliverance, Catherine vowed that he would "love her for all those who didn't!"

Sexiest hand-kiss in the history of film

But by the final third of the movie, as the score grew gloomy and foreboding and Catherine started getting her Fierce on, I realized I was about to be disappointed. And I got mad. I pounded the couch cushions, I yelled at the screen, I would not accept the injustice. Right up to the last moment I thought something, somehow, might magically make it right. I thought Monty's mustache meant he was really a new man. But Dad, now dead, was still right.

Austin: "Your grace? Your charm? Your quick tongue and subtle wit?... Catherine, I've tried for months not to be unkind but it's time for you to realize the truth... 

A hundred women are prettier, a thousand more clever, but you have one virtue that outshines them all. Your money. You have nothing else."

Catherine: "He does not love me for that!"

Austin: "I've known you all your life and I've yet to see you learn anything. With one exception, my dear - you embroider neatly."

(Try not turning into a bitter old spinster after hearing something like that. From your dad.)

So, after the credits rolled, while cranking "The Man That Got Away" and cleaning my kitchen in a fit of frustration, I finally realized something: The cruel transformation, the life-altering betrayal, the steely life of solitude and abandonment - it was a Jane Austen novel without salvation. Morris Townsend is what happens to naive, sheltered women right before they get rescued by a Mr. Darcy ("We knew each other growing up, the man's a douche. Buuuuuuuuuut, here's me..."). And I realized that I was no wiser than Lydia or Marianne, that Morris was indeed a fortune-hunting douchebag, and so my wee little heart broke.

But could YOU say no to that face??

Before that moment, however, I believed in romance. Monty filling out the dance card. Catherine giggling with Aunt Penniman. The elbow grab. Austin's horrible rant against Monty in the sitting room, and Monty being so brave.

The every-present chamois gloves.

I realized watching Catherine ascend the stairs that I am not a Strong Woman. I'm not made of that steely stuff. But... here's my thought. If not being a Strong Woman lands me with anything near Montgomery Clift in my late-plain-30s...

I don't think I mind.

Stars: 4 of 5

#30: My Foolish Heart

Starring: Susan Hayward, Dana Andrews
Dir: Mark Robson (1949)

Oh, Susan. Oh, Dana. Oh, My Foolish Heart.
So I'll admit that from the instant I saw J.D. Salinger's name in the credits I was prepared to hate this story. And I almost did. I'm sure the only reason I liked it at all was because it was in movie form, and my darling Dana carried the lead. If I'd had to read PHONEY PHONEY BLAH BLAH BLAH ANGST LOVE KILLS AND EVERYONE DIES OH LOOK THE WATER I WANT TO KILL MYSELF as I imagine it appeared in the New Yorker, I wouldn't have bothered. J.D. SALINGER I HATE YOU!
Okay, sorry.
I did like the movie overall. Susan Hayward's acting is new to me since I've only seen her in pictures, but I think I like her. I heard she got an Oscar nomination for this role which on the one hand is Oh my lord old Hollywood, the things you used to reward*, and on the other hand is Neat! Of course I think she did a far more convincing job being the horrible alcoholic Eloise, probably because she was nowhere near college-age in this film, and portraying a naive twenty-year-old was a stretch at best. BUT she was still good as old Eloise. And her white lacy dress at the dance reminded me sooo much of Liz Taylor's white dress in A Place in the Sun, which was a plus. And then there was the whole thing that followed of how illegitimate babies ruin lives and kill innocent people and destine you for a life of misery, like in APITS. Also, she just looked like Liz Taylor to me. In the mouth, I think? Since that fact distracted me a great deal through the film, let's be honest and say that's about all I have to say for Susan, and we can move on now to DANA.
Oh, Dana. OOOOOOOOOH, Dana. He is too old for his part as well, maybe (this was after Best Years), but who cares - I love him. Every time I branch out with my Dana education I am impressed by how good of an actor he is. He speaks the same way, carries himself the same way, in every way seems totally effortless, and yet he creates a hugely different impression in every role. Wow this is totally the way all shitty bloggers sound when they try to describe good acting. I CAN'T ARTICULATE OKAY? IT'S JUST HOW IT IS. I love him SO much, but he can always surprise me. I guess that's how I tell a good old actor from another. And let's be honest, a lot of old actors suck**.
Dana isn't meant to be a 100% good through and through love interest in My Foolish Heart, but I guess that's just because he's doing this whole sex-before-marriage-I-don't-love-you-yet thing in a black and white movie and my standards for black and white movies are TRUE LOVE! And BUFFALO GALS! And OPEN POST OFFICE BOX 237 AND TAKE ME OUT OF MY ENVELOPE AND KISS ME! It's clear enough that he's a good person, he's just disenchanted (in that horrible J.D. Salinger way) and looks more like a real person than a Love Interest usually does. The way he wooed Eloise was kind of threatening, which I admit did loads for his sex appeal, but still kept me on guard until the movie played out and proved his worth. Ahhh Dana!
Example: The scene in his apartment, with Mendelssohn, on the couch. I just kept thinking "OH SUSAN DON'T DO IT!" but then "DAMN IT GIRL I TOTALLY WOULD I DON'T BLAME YOU I GUESS AAHH!" And then, while I still think the young Eloise was less convincing than old Eloise, this line she said before leaving his apartment punched my gut with how much it reminded me of real life, especially because she looked so sad:
"I wish this wasn't just a buildup. I wished you liked me a little."

So he says he likes her. And he wants her to stay for sexytimes. And she won't. (Again, this sucks! She wants him to like her! But, morals!) And finally he leans over, kisses her "the way he would a rich but loathsome aunt," and she goes to leave.

And of course she feels silly and tries to show up again two minutes later and bust a move, but he sends her home. And then, then, dear viewer, you know it's okay to love him.

As a side note, I also love that once she leaves he pretends like he's going to clean his apartment for a minute. But then he doesn't, and just takes his clothes off instead.

The rest of the movie is just really sad. There's the whole Fallen Woman thing which I have a hard time with, though I do love how Eloise doesn't try to force Walt to marry her. I also feel that Walt's reluctance to go to war and his numb feeling, being a "serial number in a platoon in a company in an Army," could have been better elaborated. Maybe it was too soon after the war to put that sort of attitude in a mainstream movie. Who knows. BUT. Ugh.

All in all, I liked it, but I won't be returning to My Foolish Heart anytime soon. It was very sad, and I don't like seeing Dana die. I do, however, like seeing him do this:

Because that's what I give Netflix twenty bucks a month for.

Stars: 3.5 of 5

*Boys Town. Just... Boys Town.
**DO I HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN? BOYS TOWN.

#29: My Favorite Wife

Starring: Irene Dunne, Cary Grant
Dir: Garson Kanin (1940)

So once again I waited too long between the movie-watching and the post-writing, and I have few recollections worth putting down now. I remember being vaguely put off by how implausible the movie was (supposedly on purpose, but still). Mainly the annoying part of my brain was just going "OMG IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO BE THIS WELL-ADJUSTED AFTER SEVEN YEARS STRANDED ON AN ISLAND and also WHY DOESN'T SHE HAVE HELLA SUN DAMAGE NOW and also WHY IS HER HAIR STILL REALLY SHORT?" But beyond that... and it is hard to get beyond that since the whole movie is a screwball comedy based around a classic ("Enoch Arden") premise that is actually pretty loaded... it is pretty much as good as it should be. I always like seeing Irene Dunne and Cary Grant together, although so far my favorite is (and probably will continue to be) The Awful Truth, just because of all the good fights!
My personal preference is not to see Cary Grant doing the doofy, pop-eyed reaction shots I feel he does a lot of in this film as well as Arsenic and Old Lace. I prefer him being fast-talking, wise-cracking, athletic, or all of the above. That being said, though, there are a good number of adorable scenes scattered throughout My Favorite Wife which is an otherwise standard screwball (full disclosure: not usually my favorite style of comedy). For example, the scene where Cary Grant practices his confession to his second wife in the lobby of their hotel building is adorable. Another when he tries to convince Irene Dunne that he is on an airplane while inside a phone booth is pretty damn cute too.

*CHKKKKwappawappawappaCHKKKKKwappawappawappa*

Need I mention as well the final scene where he runs in and out of her room with a million lame excuses like a Pontipee brother trying to get her to invite him in? Culminating in this??

MERRY CHRISTMAS INDEED

And Irene Dunne manages to be adorable the whole time as well. I always thought I hated her ever since I first saw her in Roberta (any enemy of Ginger's is an enemy of mine!) but those days are gone. She is CUTE. Also, she altered her own skirt in the powder room. That lady is a stud.

Beyond that, I'm sorry to report I have little to say. Basically the whole time I was just wanting to re-watch The Awful Truth. This is sounding like a bad review - it wasn't bad, it was just not my most favoritest genre. Also... I have never liked Randolph Scott. Even in Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. He was just never cute, never funny, always a little bit of a butt. There, I've got it off my chest! Sorry, Cary, I know you were buds...

Stars: 3.25 of 5 because I'm finnicky

P.S. Cute moment to make up for stupid review:

#28: Reaching for the Moon

Starring: Douglas Fairbanks, Bebe Daniels, Edward Everett Horton
Dir: Edmund Goulding (1931)

And this is where shit gets REAL. All I can say about this movie is OH EM GEE. My sister insisted that this movie was fondly remembered somewhere in the back of her brain and we should give it a try and see. The fact that Bing Crosby had top billing for it on Netflix was kind of confusing, but that's just because he sings a song in it (sounding surprisingly un-Bing-ly, although he was only a baby at the time) which is totally no big deal although kind of a fun fact. The REAL point of the movie, however, is this:

This man. This man right here.
Seriously, words cannot explain. This man speaks to my soul across the years. There I am thinking that Bebe Daniels has big feet, and then he SAYS that she has big feet. Obviously, we share thoughts. We share alcohol intolerance too. It is like we were always meant to be.

Story-wise, Douglas Fairbanks Love of My Life plays Larry Day, a wealthy man who has no interest in women and no skills in wooing them. Then Vivien, a saucy aviatrix played by Bebe Daniels, bets a friend that she can get Larry out on a date. She wins - Larry is smitten, they set up a date, and Vivien... inexplicably... stands him up and hops on a boat to Europe ("Ha! Ha! Ha!"). Proving that Rules girls totally know where it's at, Larry is SO smitten following her rejection that he sneaks onto the boat to follow her, pretends to be a lecherous French steward in her bedroom (it's dark and he's hot), and then chases her around to pester her in random shirtless scenes like this:

WHYFORE SO AFFRONTED, VIV? Seriously.

Basically Vivien decides she likes him after all but she doesn't know how to show it, so he becomes convinced she's still leading him on and they have a little bit of trouble (hint: she's secretly engaged) and he thinks she's taking advantage of him and they fight. Somewhere in there everyone drinks a really potent cocktail and Larry dances on the walls like this.

Yeah what's up he's adorable.
Anyway, things end up fine -- they always do -- and it gets tied up with a neat little bow. Huzzah. The main thing is not the plot though, which is standard, but the OH MY GOD CUTENESS of the whole thing. I should admit that I was a little worried at first to see Douglas in a talkie. After feeling the first flutterings of appreciation from Mark of Zorro I was afraid of him sounding squeaky and horrible, maybe being older and less attractive... But the talking Fairbanks is basically ten million times hotter. Trust. You get to hear the sexy smoker's voice and the constant laughing that explains his perpetual doofy Zorro grin, and the adorable high-pitched noises he makes when he jumps and tumbles, and the way he fakes his French accent... he delivers classic lines, like "When madame disrobes for bed, anything is liable to explode!"

(Just in case it hasn't been made clear, I am completely sold on Douglas Roundface Fairbanks. Lock, stock, and barrel. Baby and bathwater. Eggs in one basket, etc.)

Bad: Nothing.
Good: EVERYTHING and hey, I almost forgot! My boo Edward Everett Horton of Busby Berkeley fame plays probably the only obviously gay character in the history of classic movies, and is also hilarious! He and Douglas have several utterly adorable scenes together, mostly where Horton is trying to coach Douglas in how to "make a lady."

Uncle Eddie also has one of my favorite lines in the entire movie - although it is difficult to choose - when he drinks his cocktail and promptly exits, saying, "There's a Polish woman in the second cabin. A blonde. I may be two hours. I can't tell. Who knows. *snaps*"

LOVE.

Stars: 4.5 of 5

#27: Why Change Your Wife?

Starring: Gloria Swanson, Thomas Meighan, Bebe Daniels
Dir: Cecil B. DeMille (1920)

Warning you in advance: Cutest movie EVER. Gloria Swanson is Beth, the uptight and bookish wife of a curly-haired man who likes dogs and is named Robert. (Robert is not that cute, let's just get that out of the way.)

Robert likes to do fun things like listen to foxtrots and smoke cigars buy fancy undies for his wife. Beth likes to enjoy an evening of classical music and then put on her frumpy glasses (no!) and go to bed with a book (NO!!). She also HATES to wear undies in front of her husband... she puts clothes on underneath them. Needless to say, Robert and Beth are having no fun.
Next thing you know, some little hussy from his past is stalking the curly-haired hubby and inviting him to her apartment to have drinks and listen to foxtrots (his weakness) and next thing you know THEY HAVE KISSED. (Bebe Daniels a.k.a. Sally is the hussy on the left.)

Blah blah blah Beth finds out, she and Robert get a divorce, and she is all wound up about it and miserable. Robert is shamed into marrying the hussy (because KISSES MAKE BABIES). Then Beth overhears some little snitches in a dressing room saying how it's about time Robert found a wife that was more fun anyway. (Apparently this kind of thing was put in newspapers back in the day - the mind boggles!) So, rather than getting all furious-and-a-half and telling off the beezies, Beth decides that they are right and she immediately buys a bunch of exciting new clothes, stating the first principal of emancipated women everywhere: "I'll take this and six more; and make them sleeveless, backless, transparent, indecent - go the limit!"

Shortly after, Robert and Beth are reunited when Beth goes to vacation at the hotel where Robert and Sally are honeymooning. Robert is immediately stricken by Beth's new look (read: visible ankles) and the spark is rekindled. Apparently the fact that Robert was a cheater is not a problem with Beth anymore. She also likes dogs now. Can't they just be in love again?? But ROBERT IS MARRIED!

Anyway it goes on from there and gets very action-packed toward the end (someone gets hospitalized for slipping on a banana peel, someone threatens someone else with a bottle of acid, someone wears a caped swimsuit and knee-high gladiator sandals... to lunch), but to save myself from both spoiling all the thrilling action and making this thing too damn long, everything works out and they are super cute.

Bad: There's a creepy violinist. I try to avoid discussing him because he is SO TRAUMATIZING. His hands are huge and his tummy is weird and he wears the most offensive swimming ensemble I have ever seen in my entire life, bar none, AND THEN TRIES TO HIT ON PEOPLE WHILE WEARING IT. Seriously. I would screencap it but this browser would die from shame.

Good: Everything!! Gloria Swanson is sooooooooooooo cute in this, I want to die. I can't believe it is the same Gloria Swanson from Beyond the Rocks, she is just a million times more endearing and wonderful. All the titles are cute and snarky, all the costumes are insanely horrible in a kind of entertaining way, you get little gems like this thrown around too --

and so forth. DAMN THOSE SHREWISH WIVES AND THEIR BOOKS. This is like every ugly duckling story every told, except better, and AWESOME.

Seriously.

Do it. Even if Robert isn't cute, it is so worth it. Honestly if he was any cuter this movie would probably freak out and break the scales of awesome anyway, and then I'd have to develop a new ranking system... boo.

Stars: 4 of 5

#26: The Mark of Zorro

Starring: Douglas Fairbanks, Marguerite de la Motte
Dir: Fred Niblo (1922)

Okay, so here's the thing about Douglas Fairbanks.

Like, where to begin. Sort of short, sort of slouches, really bad hair (in this movie anyway), sort of round face with a sort of fat chin thing going on? Also, cheesy drawn-on mustache. Also, I've seen Antonio Banderas do this shit and he's, like, a comparative ten out of ten.
So riddle-me-this.
HOW does this short odd man manage to accomplish enough swashbuckling, hat-chewing, over-wall-leaping, and scarf trickery in a 90-minute period to capture my heart? HOW IS'T DONE? HOW IS'T ACCOMPLISHED? HOW IS THE LOFTY BARRICADE 'ROUND MY LOVE SCALED AND VANQUISHED BY A SMALL MAN WHO JUMPS HIGH?

Nevermind, 'twas done.

The first half of the movie was kind of slow, there were lots of natives being done wrong by the creepy Count of Something, this uptight Lolita beezy was all like "NO LE TOUCHE PAS" and Zorro was pretending not to be Zorro. But then a little ways in it started to get exciting - he was fighting people and being chased around and leaping high and twirling and thrusting and winning my love, et cetera. And he had to pretend to be this boring, awful nobleman who was always taking naps in the middle of the day (SUCH a turn-off, unless you knew he was just scuttling through the grandfather clock to go be Zorro instead) and doing obnoxious tricks with his hat. Not gonna lie, the love interest in this movie was like no big deal. But watching him mess with her was worth it.

And by the end, like I said, I was even jealous to see her get to do this.

Bad: All the scenes that didn't involve fighting and running and swashing and buckling were kinda whatever, and his love interest was a snooty little butt. I mean, I get that that creepy dude was totally imposing himself on her virtue or whatever, but she didn't have to be such a RUDE GUSS about it. Even if Zorro-pretending-not-to-be-Zorro was pretending not to care... I mean, he SO totally did! He just couldn't give himself away and jeopardize the fate California! Whatevs.
Good: Hugely relieved that I can like Douglas Fairbanks. (JUST WAIT UNTIL TALKIES OMG.) Because he jumps and swings and flies and flips and that shit has worked on me since I was knee-high to a grape watching Frank in Seven Brides... yeah, nbd.

Stars: 3.5 of 5 (because it gets better...)

#25: Beyond the Rocks

SILENT FILM ATTACK!
Starring: Gloria Swanson, Rudolph Valentino
Dir: Sam Wood (1922)

Beyond the Rocks is a story of a sex god and a short woman who meet once and quickly part, meet again years later - it's kismet! - so the short woman douses herself with some flowery perfume that becomes like their little code thing and the sex god is so overcome that he passionately kisses her teeny little hands and... actually that part looks pretty fun -- and includes a big heavily costumed dream/storytelling interlude -- but then they are torn apart again (this time by a man with see-through eyes), so they are damned to gaze longingly and sigh deeply and write each other letters in their desperation, wait until the ugly man dies, and then FINALLY end up together forever - consciences clean - in the desert! Huzzah! (Note to self: Try watching Beyond the Rocks and The Sheik back to back. Could be awesome.)

Pictured above is a moment of potent silent chemistry (courtesy of a truly awesome Tumblr). See how the film melts and bubbles? Because their love is SO HOT.
That also tends to happen when a movie attempts to contain the heat of RUDOLPH EFFING VALENTINO OH MY GOD.

Sorry.
Anyway, the story isn't that great. When it starts and you're reading the titles it's all promising romance novel fare, like little Theodora Fitzgerald is trapped in a loveless marriage to a gross old dude and then there's the dashing Lord Bracondale (of non-threatening Italian lineage) trotting up and when Theodora falls out of a boat  he saves her and she smells like narcissus and it's so PHYSICAL and ROMANTIC. But then it really gets rolling and it's just pretty melodramatic. I think if there had been a little comedy to go along, I would have enjoyed it more. Or if Rudy spent more time climbing out of the sea. But altogether it forms kind of an over-rich romantic confection with a gross nougat-y moral at the center, definitely not how the movie would have been done today, where the beautiful young wife remains faithful to her old and ugly husband because she knows it's the Right Thing to Do, despite the dark and handsome and romantic and wonderful and smoking hot oh my god make me stop and he's Italian and he wears tails and he jumps selflessly into raging seas and scales tall mountains and he looks soooooooo gooooooooooood guy trying to steal her heart. So, basically implausible. Also, SPOILER ALERT (not really), I have watched a few more Gloria Swanson and Rudolph Valentino movies since this and know they can be MUCH more compelling.
Not like Rudy is ever, you know, not worth watching. Or something. At all. Like, he's pretty much always good. For some reason... I don't know...

Bad: Boring. Ugly husband has see-through eyes. And they're all setting him up to be a villain and then in the end he's just like "Self-sacrificing, OMG I love you so much, I want you to be happy! IN THE DESERT!" Also, G-Swanson's clothes are soups unflattering. Except maybe the backless dress when they're staying at the manor-type place? But it doesn't make up.
Good: Rudolph Valentino was in this, did I mention that? And he wore SPATS and TAILS and his name was LORD BRACONDALE and he CLIMBED MOUNTAINS in his frickin CASUAL GOLF ATTIRE. Sooooohhghhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm.

Stars: 3 of 5