#39: Carousel

Starring: Shirley Jones and Gordon MacRae
Dir: Henry King (1956)

Last week was Oscar Hammerstein II's centennial, so naturally I have to pay my respects. I've decided that the best way to do that is by watching an R&H musical I haven't seen before. I've always avoided Carousel because of the whole death/bittersweet ending thing, which is not typically what I go for in a musical, especially if the dead person is cute. But, you know, time to be a grown up. We sometimes have to see things we don't like in this life... and sometimes those things are Gordon MacRae getting pudgy.

This will make a lot more sense if you've seen Carousel.

0:00 Popping in DVD... OMG synopsis says it is set in a little town on the coast of Maine! Little town on the coast of Maine! This is SERENDIPITOUS. This is PERFECT. I have to watch it YESTERDAY.

0:01 ZOMG JACQUES D'AMBOISE IS IN THE CREDITS. JACQUES D'AMBOISE IS IN THE CREDITS. I had no idea!! Get in my belly, Carousel!

0:13 "Sluts? Slut yourself!" "Slut yourself!" This movie has a dirty mouth.

0:14 Also, Bigelow/gigolo - is that as obvious as I think it is, or am I digging?

0:19 So not a fan of this guy right now. I mean, sexy, but what an ASS.

0:19 (Shoutout to Bangor!)

0:21 Nooooooo girl no!! Flashbacks to my days of poor decision-making.

I know, I know, he's super-cute right now. But USE YOUR HEAD.

0:23 SO not the right time for this song. I don't even like him yet.

0:24 SHUT UP, SHIRLEY.

0:25 If you don't want to marry and you don't want to have a bad reputation WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE BIGEGIGOLO? Go live in a cave.

0:27 Oh cute. Billy's a philosopher. "The breeze is in the air, like my spirit, which is both sad and horny."

0:28 I do love his voice, though.

0:31 Okay he's hot. Wait FADE OUT FADE OUT?! Marriage then sex? Sex then marriage? IT MATTERS! I HAVE TO KNOW!

0:33 Lobsters!

0:33 Clambake!

0:33 A whale of a time!

0:34 I SMELL A MALE DANCE ENSEMBLE. WHERE IS MY JACQUES?

0:36 Nothing but hot hipster fishermen as far as the eye can see. Donde esta Jacques?

THIS IS AS CLOSE AS WE'LL GET TO A BARN RAISING IN THIS MOVIE

0:38 Okay more men finally... WHERE.

0:40 Temporarily entertained by cutest barefoot man dancing/flirtation EVER. Okay now shirtless too. Noiiiiiice.

0:41 OMG shirtless sailor quad-group jump squatting???

0:41 This is epic on a Seven Brides scale only my homobarometer is, like, breaking. Notice how they're all sitting on each other's shoulders while the girls prance forgotten on the roof?

0:42 (Yeah the girls are catching on.)

0:45 Oh I'm sorry, did sex not SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS? Did sex not MAKE HIM LOVE YOU? OH THAT'S WEIRD.

0:46 Whoa, sex and sluts and wifebeaters in this movie? How... progressive... (oh durr prostitues) (nvm totes not progressive)

0:51 "Put on a new coat of paint. You're starting to peel, old pleasure-boat." ZING! (Remember this one.)

0:56 What the what. Oh my Lord.

0:57 She's pregnant and that... that did it... somehow I guess... I just don't know what the what MEN.



1:05 ZOMG REALIZATIONS ABOUT PATERNAL RESPONSIBILITY N STUFF N BEHBEHS

1:06 ZOMG FORESHADOWING

I should probably sing the word "death" a few more times. "DEATH DEATH DEATH, DIE DIE! DIE DuDIE!!!!! Ha-HA!"

1:13 Sweet holy clambake! Lobster buffet!... Dumb. Ass. Song.
But, you know, totally Maine-appropriate, right down to the play-by-play from plate to gullet.

1:15 Can you dance after eating a lobster? I can't.

1:18 OMG this Jigger-man is the perviest thing ever! Ever! Stop! He is like an Ali Hakim but sinister-er!

1:24 "What's the Use of Wond'rin'," or, "Spineless and How to Be It."

1:30 Oh I get it. The knife dangling from his shirt has stabbed him. They need to make this stuff clearer.

1:31 Why does Gordon get stabbed in all his movies?

1:32 Gordon. Gordon, baby. When you die you're supposed to stop breathing.

1:33 Also, Shirley. You should maybe cry or scream or something. Or were people dying from stab wounds all the time in Maine back in the day? Like, no biggie, internal bleeding, have a nice day.

1:34 Gordon, even in death your hair is so fly.

1:35 Getting so bored I wanna fastforward. (Now she cries.)

1:39 "We'd argue and she'd be right, so I'd hit her." OH STARTLING INSIGHT. New sympathy for the abusive man. Edward Cullen, take heed.

1:42 Wait. I want to frolic, too...

1:43 BOYS? JACQUES?

1:47 ZOMG JACQUES!!!!!!! (*Edit: I originally screencapped the shit out of this dream sequence, but my computer ate everything. As a result, this post sucks. I apologize.)

1:47 I saw him! I saw him! I saw him before the lights came up even! Those cheekbones could cut glass! My heart is dying!

1:49 Mom. Why wasn't I a ballerina.

1:51 (So sexy much can't talk sorry.)

1:52 Um, yeah girl. What's your problem?

I found this screencap on the internet. Mine were better.

1:52 Srsly he's actually touching you. CHEER UP.

1:53 (Okay now I get why she's crying.) COME BACK JACQUESsSSSSssdsdasdads

1:56 Back to boring grown-ups. Lol we have too many kids!

2:01 OH MY GOD THESE ARE SUCH HORRIBLE LESSONS. OH MY GOD SHE IS SUCH A HORRIBLE MOTHER. DON'T LISTEN, LOUISE.

2:01 "Is it possible for someone to hit you and not have it hurt at all? Let me answer that with a song, my child..."

2:03 Ok so if Shirley didn't look so Amish matron this would actually be totally moving.

2:06 I always try not to be "skeered."

2:06 Gordon zooming in at the finish bein' all sincere 'n sexy! (*Edit: Another conspicuously missing screencap.)

2:07 We all say things we don't mean at graduation.

2:08 Okay it's over! The end! Hit away, husbands! The end!

******

STARS: 2.5 of 5. The music is pretty much whatever (with the obvious exceptions of "If I Loved You" and "You'll Never Walk Alone") (happy birthday, Oscar!), the springtime dancing is cool I guess, and I do give major props to any Technicolor musical with a lengthy ballet sequence. Also, Jacques D'Amboise. Just... that guy. But otherwise... hated it.

#38: Charade

Starring: Cary Grant, Audrey Hepburn, Walter Matthau
Dir: Stanley Donen (1963)

I apologize in advance for not having taken enough notes, but I do remember the important bits.

1) This is definitely my favorite Audrey era.
2) Why? Because she gets to be a smartass.

"Quitter."

3) And sexy - I'm sorry, but that scene in the elevator when she interrupts Cary Grant mid-sentence with her gloved hand touching the cleft in his chin and asks, "How do you shave in there?"?!?!? Take notes, fees.

Google Image is totally backing me up on this.

4) True confessions: at this point Cary Grant is definitely past his sexy expiration date for me. However, I don't really mind - he's still fantastic.
5) That said, HE COULD TOTALLY BE GAY IN THIS MOVIE. Think about it! It makes all the sense in the WORLD! I mean, he avoids touching Regina and all he has to tell her is how difficult it is to keep his hands off her... very clever.
6) Also, this ensemble:

My eyeliner stays flawless when I sleep, too.

Regarding the plot -- I don't care, you can IMDB it.
It was an adorable, adorable movie with a nice surprise ending, but most importantly it taught me that you don't always have to be scared if your husband gets murdered. Sometimes you can just brush it off, and everything will be fine.

Stars: 4.5 of 5

I GOT PUBLISHED!!!

SO exciting!! My sister Bri and I co-wrote a piece on the cost of college for working-class kids and The Chronicle of Higher Education published it!! Here's the link:

http://chronicle.com/article/Should-Working-Class-People/131283/

#37: To Have and Have Not

Starring: Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall, Walter Brennan
Dir: Howard Hawks (1944)

Almost every scene of this movie made me feel like I was a little kid back at my grandma's house, watching Baby & Bogey movies taped off the television with my sisters. It was some potent nostalgia, folks - I almost put a pillow over my face when they started kissing, but then I remembered I'm not five.

The scenes with Eddy in particular had the exact same effect on me. He still made me want to cry like the pharmacist in It's a Wonderful Life - "Why is the nice old man sad, Mommy? Why did his son have to die? Why does he shake his leg like that?"
*sniff*
Well. It's worth asking: What's changed since then?
Looks like it's just The Maltese Falcon all over again, guys. This movie is full of sex and I had no idea. (See also: Much Ado About Nothing -- and that was a damn near critical plot point, too.)

Summary:
Harry Morgan (Humphrey Bogart) makes a living on the island of Martinique renting out a fishing boat he runs with his super-alcoholic buddy Eddy (Walter Brennan), and when they're hard up for cash Harry reluctantly takes a super-dangerous job for the French resistance and things get all kinds of problematic. Slim (Lauren Bacall) moves into the same hotel and she isn't exactly a prostitute but she sort of dabbles, and she comes on to Harry like hella hard, and basically this movie is stressful and the fat French policeman is HORRIBLE and I can't tell if it's because he is a horrible actor or if overall he is just HORRIBLE anyway (I just re-watched some scenes and that accent is like a parody of itself. It must be a combination of both), but anyway what I care about more is Bogey and Bacall, and let me just say LOTS of cigarettes (remember?) and LOTS of awesomeness. And Bogey totally pistol-whips a bitch.

Blah blah people get interrogated and slapped around and it's all very unfair and totally oppressive and stuff, and it makes you never want to travel just in case somebody takes all your money and then hits you because you were simply in the wrong cafe when some dude got shot. Also, dark and panicky late-night boat travel. Really, I hate this story. It stresses me out beyond belief and I'd rather not think about it. It involves all my black-and-white kryptonite: old-timey politics, sad substance abusers, corrupt authorities, and sympathetic characters that are all very morally misguided which makes my brain VERY confused and sad. For what it's worth, the ending is mostly safe and happy but before we get there it is like Casablanca-level OOOOOH NOOOOOOOO!

But, distracting screencaps!

One fun part of this stress party is when Slim starts working as a lounge singer at the hotel she and Harry live in. In her debut performance, she makes this face at him:

And he responds with this:

DAAAAAAAAAMN, Boges.

Recovered yet? Check out more badassery:

"See that? It broke as easy as you will."

And:

Slim: "Give her my love."
Harry: "I'd give her my own if she had that on."

(Oh yeah Hoagy Carmichael is totally in this movie too! Being every character he ever played in a movie ever, a.k.a. nice trustworthy piano-playing brotherly figure.)
And:

"Save it."

OUCH. Wouldn't you just cry if sexy Harry Bogey Morgan was sitting there looking all nautical and badass and he WOULDN'T LET YOU KISS HIM IN PUBLIC?!?

I'll let you explore that hypothetical situation on your own. Don't be surprised if you dissolve in a pool of disappointment and nausea.

Stars: 4 of 5 at least for quality but 5 out of 5 for how much it stresses me out.

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything. What you will receive in return varies. But it really has no connection with what you give. You give because you love and you cannot help giving. If you are very lucky, you may be loved back. That is delicious but it does not necessarily happen.
It really implies total devotion.  And total is all-encompassing - the good of you, the bad of you. I am aware that I must include the bad.
...I have no idea how Spencer felt about me. I can only say I think that if he hadn't liked me he wouldn't have hung around. As simple as that."
- Katharine Hepburn, Me: Stories of My Life

"I never got very close to anyone in the theatre or movies. I suppose it was because I was a member of a big family and I always tried to get enough sleep."
-Katharine Hepburn, Me: Stories of My Life

Where were they?

I like birthdays generally, but they're not a huge deal to me. I'm not a party person or a presents person, so there's little to do. I figure a year is a year.
This year, however, I turned twenty. Twenty is a big deal, right? Right! ANALYSIS TIME!
I sat down a few days in a row during my birthday week and tried to think seriously about this new development, but I couldn't come up with much. Yeah, a person's twenties are supposed to be exciting, but I feel like I've already gotten a lot of the exciting stuff under way -- leaving school, moving out, supporting myself in a new city. One is supposed to do a lot of growing and changing during their third decade, but that's hard to qualify and plan for until you've really gotten the ball rolling on something besides aaaahhh I'm not in college. What that ultimately means, then, at least for me, is that thinking hard about one's twenties is... hard.

So. With nothing much to go on, rather than dwell on the uninspiring blank slate of my own life, I've looked elsewhere for inspiration - to history! The ladies who had gone before me, ladies I love and admire. What were they doing at my stage of life? Where were they at age twenty? I've gone to them for advice and to learn from their experiences. I just want a jumping-off point, something to give me perspective.

(Spoiler alert:
Shouldn't have asked.)

Turns out,

Jean Seberg, with whom I have felt a kinship ever since she inspired my drastic sophomore year haircut, was making her first film (Bonjour Tristesse) and looked like this:

Lauren Bacall made To Have and Have Not AND hung out with Hoagy Carmichael AND fell in love with Humphrey Bogart - what a year. Bogey fell right back; maybe it had something to do with that line about whistling? Of course she also looked pretty good. She was twenty, I mean, everyone's done looking awkward and frumpy at twenty! We all look like this:

Deanna Durbin had her first grown-up movie role in her third decade. She made the switch from teen queen to full-grown woman at age twenty, probably much to her relief. A decidedly more grown-up movie to follow was Christmas Holiday with Gene Kelly, but the breakthrough that came first was It Started With Eve, co-starring the passably cute Robert Cummings:

Joan Crawford made her Hollywood debut and knocked out eight films at age twenty. She had nothing to recommend her but her Charleston and snagged mostly uncredited roles as a dancer or extra.

Myrna Loy got started at twenty, too. She made five films in her first year, also playing background characters. Myrna was typecast for a long time as a vamp or "exotic" woman - this was before she became instantly classy and amazing by playing Nora Charles in The Thin Man. That didn't come until age 29. In the meantime, she played lots of slave girls! Exotic indeed! Bee tee dubs I think my ovaries just gave up. They know I'm never going to be a real woman.

Leslie Caron was hand-picked by Gene Kelly for her first film role, Lise Bouvier in An American in Paris. Nothing fancy, really. Playing Gene Kelly's love interest in a Gershwin-scored, six-Oscar-winning musical epic and knocking out an iconic, genre-defining fifteen-minute ballet dream sequence is okay for some people, but I prefer a less ostentatious lifestyle. I like to roll dough for crap money and sit at my coffee table eating pistachios in my free time.

To continue with Gene Kelly's lucky proteges, Debbie Reynolds was just twenty when she made Singin' in the Rain. If I have to (sarcastically) impress upon you why that is a huge fucking deal, re-evaluate your life now please.

Jeanne Crain, perhaps best known for dancing with my grandfather that one time, got to mack with Dana Andrews in State Fair at twenty years old. I shit you not, when I discovered this one I almost cried. Real. Tears.

SERIOUSLY.

It was at about this point in my initial research (DANA ANDREWS) that I fled Hollywood and tried to find less depressing, more realistic examples from... the literary world! Where my ladies of the page at? Literary girls aren't super foxy and kissing your dead soulmates, right?

Right. Turns out that when literary girls turn twenty, they only publish career-making poems that later get carved into mountainsides in their memory. Ever heard of "Renascence"? No? Well, ever heard of EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY? She was nineteen when she wrote that shit. You know where you were at nineteen? Still figuring out your alcohol limit. At best.

Other literary girls are less intimidating - Emily Bronte, for example, worked as a teacher at age twenty but suffered a breakdown from stress and returned home to kill time teaching herself German and practicing the piano. That's about right, Emily - strike out on your own only to be crushed by psychological weakness and return, humiliated, to lonely self-improvement in the family home! This is okay. Until you start taking your claustrophobic, miserable life and turning it into shit like Wuthering Heights and making us all look so... unproductive. Couldn't you just journal it out? That's what normal people do. "Dear Diary, today my peers advanced another step beyond me in the journey toward functionality and self-actualization. I am going to take more naps."

Dorothy Parker was orphaned and had to support herself playing piano at a dancing school. That sounds rough. It sounds character-building. It sounds depressing. Man, I sure am better off than she was at my age! Except for that little "dedicating her spare time to perfecting her craft" habit that scored her a job the next year at Vogue... Whatevs.

Zelda Sayre (fun fact: a writer in her own right!) married F. Scott and became Zelda Fitzgerald in her twentieth year. WHO ARE YOU DATING?? To be honest, from then on she wasn't much of a role model, but, for what it's worth, girlfriend made a fortunate alliance. Check it out.

I mean... She had a baby with the man who wrote the short story that inspired the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button starring Brad Pitt The Great Gatsby.

Lastly, however, I can leave you with a doozy.
Drawn neither from the glittering firmament of Hollywood glamazons or the less-fancy writer ladies brain trust - from a land altogether different - I give you...
A literary heroine.

Elizabeth Bennet.
Elizabeth fucking Bennet was twenty years old.

Forgive me....
I have to go be depressed.